Archive for Humor

Cartoon Fall

A lot of snow fell yesterday—over two feet by some official estimates. I can attest to that. I spent a significant amount of time away from my desk, digging people’s cars out of the snow. My signal that it was time to go inside? When I performed a cartoon-like banana-peel fall on my driveway, culminating in my tailbone meeting said driveway’s icy, snow-packed coating. I swear I was suspended horizontally, legs flailing, for at least 30 seconds. I know that’s not actually true, but it felt like it. I’m just glad I could provide some comic relief for the folks surrounding me.

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Pathetic Attempt to Keep This Blog Alive

I read. I read a lot. Especially when I have a lot of work to do. It’s called procrastination, and I am a master at it.

So, when faced with a steady flow of editing/social media work, what happens? Other things become so very important. You know I’m procrastinating if I’m actually writing a blog post. I haven’t been here in six months!

I just read this article, and it made me laugh. It seemed appropriate to share it here. You know, because I’m procrastinating. From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, I give you “The Ultimate Guide to Writing Better Than You Normally Do.” http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-ultimate-guide-to-writing-better-than-you-normally-do

 

Renaissance Woman

Once again, CareerBuilder.com is playing fast and loose with their interpretation of “qualifications.” Although I’m flattered that they think I’m this much of a Renaissance Woman, I don’t come close to being qualified for any of these positions. Here are my suggested job applications for this week:

  • solar cell design engineer
  • material scientist chemical engineer
  • lead teacher – early childhood education/preschool
  • registered dietician
  • real estate sales associate
  • recreation assistant
  • product surveillance specialist

and, my personal favorite:

  • cryptologic linguist for the US Army

I’ve received phone calls and email messages from head hunters and job placement agencies, desperate to place me in one of their open positions. I had no idea I was so marketable! Unfortunately, the vast majority of these “offers” don’t come close to resembling jobs for which I’m qualified. It seems these humans can’t accurately assess an applicant’s qualifications any better than automated online databases such as CareerBuilder can.

Although, they may be on to something here. I am a mom. And, as such, have gathered and honed a wide variety of skills I might not otherwise have come close to. For example, when my children were younger, I worked from home and was able to spend a lot of time with them. I was their lead teacher in so many things: feeding and dressing themselves, toilet training, sharing, language skills, writing their names, creative play, and so on.  As my household’s resident material scientist chemical engineer, I was responsible for identifying mysterious chemical combinations all over the house: crayon wall murals, missed toileting opportunities, and the sippy cup full of milk left behind the couch for three days,  for starters. I also created chemical concoctions such as salt dough and slime, providing hours of play.

As a solar cell design engineer, I was responsible for calculating the amount of solar light my charges absorbed, and applying protective layers of sunblock to them as necessary. Like a registered dietician, one of my main goals was setting up menus, creating nutritious meals, and getting my kids to eat more than apple juice and Teddy Grahams. I performed the duties of recreation assistant by bringing my kids to tee-ball, playing hopscotch with them, and organizing play dates. As my household’s real estate sales associate, I assisted in coordinating the tasks involved in building a home, such as choosing flooring, exterior covering, and window types. I identified paint colors and other home improvements that would maintain the “saleability” of our home and made them happen. My skills in the product surveillance industry include maintaining the quality of my products by keeping them healthy and safe, ensuring regular visits to the family physician for product maintenance, forcing them to wear coats in the winter, and forbidding them from jumping off the shed roof. I continue honing that skill to this day, attempting to know where my products/children are at all times and not allowing them to do stupid things. (Refer to “wear coats in winter” and “shed roof” for more clarification.)

And, although I’ve never been in the US Army, I can say that I have performed the duties of cryptologic linguist innumerable times. Anyone who has tried to decipher what a two-year-old is saying will back me up on that one.

Hey, if CareerBuilder can play fast and loose with job qualifications, then I certainly can do the same with job titles.

Will Power

Yes, that picture in the previous post DOES contain an authentic, actual photo of Will Ferrell, complete with an autographed note to me. A friend of my aunt’s was his driver for a while, and my aunt asked him to get an autograph for me because we’d talked about how much I like Mr. Ferrell.* So, on days when I’m overwhelmed, bored, or otherwise not enjoying my work, all I have to do is shift my gaze a few inches to the right, and there is Will, smiling at me. How can anyone stay upset with that kind of cheering up?

*I was describing to her a trip to the movies to see Elf with my kids. I giggled so much during the movie that my kids admonished me to be quiet. I still laugh thinking about him waving back to the guy hailing a cab.

Easing In…

In a desperate attempt to keep this blog going, I’m posting a very old link that satirizes those who don’t think grammar is important.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/rules-grammar-change,922/

Grammar Humor

I missed the coverage of this comma epidemic the first time around.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/commas-turning-up-everywhere,6120/